Problematic Boundary Styles
Unhealthy boundary styles are often an inevitable consequence of unresolved trauma.
Jovanna Casey speaks of the following 6 Problem Boundary Styles. Can you relate to any of them?
- Rigid - Unyielding. You let everyone know exactly where you stand and that you are not moving. You are adamant. You are going to do things your way, even if it means doing it alone. You are stubborn and inflexible. Everything is non-negotiable. There is no room for spontaneity. You are too closed, unchangeable and hard.
- Invisible - Non-assertive. You know what you feel and need but you do not do anything about it in the moment. You do not tell others or assert your limits in a way that will be listened to. You are a passive push-over. You are too open and over-adapt. Your gut says no while your mouth says yes. You wind up feeling used and hurt.
- Distant - Far. You are emotionally or physically unavailable. You may be an aloof loner, absent, or cold and removed. You are unreachable, disconnected and non-communicative. Others might never know what you want, who you are or, sometimes, even where you are.
- Enmeshed - Too close. You take on someone else's likes and dislikes as your own so you only want what they want. You have no opinions of your own. You are a yes-man. You are who they are, losing your own identity and becoming a clone.
- Intrusive - You are bossy, pushy and forceful, bulldozing everyone to go along with whatever you want, regardless of anyone else's desires. You are oblivious to the discomfort or resentment of others. You are invasive, interfering, and interrupting.
- Hyper-Receptive - You are fearful and hypervigilant, tensely waiting for cues, trying to anticipate the desires of others. You have no time to realize what you really want - you are just trying to make sure there is no conflict. You can be a chameleon.
Some defective strategies will meet some of our needs (at least at first) and some won't, but we are always trying to get a need met
(even if our strategy is not working).
First, I focus on what needs are getting met (now or at first).
If I can't come up with anything, then I focus on what needs I am trying to meet (unsuccessfully).
For each boundary styles that I use, I ask myself...
What need/s might this boundary style have met in the beginning?
Does it still meet that need / those needs?
What need/s am I currently trying to meet with this behavior?
Is is working? How effective is it?
What harm/damage is this boundary style causing?
How will my life play out if I continue to use this boundary style?
What might the final outcome look like in the end?
Do I know anyone else who uses this boundary style and who is further along the path with it than me?
(Perhaps someone older?)
If so, what does their life look like now?