Limits-Boundaries

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LIMITS

The key to sustainability is to do things with limits. Having healthy limits makes things sustainable.

Some Examples:

  • Eat, sleep, relax and exercise with limits.
  • Work and play with limits.
  • Save, spend and repay debts with limits.
  • Reach out to others with limits.
  • Help others with limits.
  • Persevere with limits.
  • Be vulnerable with limits (choosing safe, trustworthy people).

When we have healthy limits, our positive intentions are more likely to get positive results.

We switch into different healthy roles in life, when there is a change in needs for ourself or others.









CHOICE

We maintain a level of participation in activities and commitments that is balanced and sustainable over time, knowing that we have the choice to adjust our participation level in response to changing needs, inspiration, or special circumstances.









BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are internal affairs. I set boundaries around my own behavior - what I will and won't do in response to others and circumstances - not around the behavior of other people.

Trying to set external boundaries is often a sign of being triggered.


Healthy Boundary Styles

Jovanna Casey speaks of the following 6 Solution Boundary Styles.

  1. Firm - You Set and maintain limits that are non-negotiable. You are clear with yourself about what you want and what is important to you. You maintain your stance even if others hassle or argue, and you follow through with your game plan. You stay solid in the face of conflict.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Rigid - Unyielding. You let everyone know exactly where you stand and that you are not moving. You are adamant. You are going to do things your way, even if it means doing it alone. You are stubborn and inflexible. Everything is non-negotiable. There is no room for spontaneity. You are too closed, unchangeable and hard.)

  2. Flexible - You know what you want and state it clearly. You are genuinely open to listen and get curious about how to work together. You are happy and calm after the final agreement is made. Once you have decided to negotiate your initial plan, you really do let go and are happy with the outcome. You are open to all possibilities. You let go trying to control people. You compromise.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Invisible - Non-assertive. You know what you feel and need but you do not do anything about it in the moment. You do not tell others or assert your limits in a way that will be listened to. You are a passive push-over. You are too open and over-adapt. Your gut says no while your mouth says yes. You wind up feeling used and hurt.)

  3. Disengaged - You peacefully and consciously decide to break off your current connection, either for the moment or permanently. You disconnect from someone else and pull your focus inward. You do not need to get the agreement or permission of the other person for you to use Disengaged - you do not even need to tell them what you are doing. You learn to enjoy being with yourself.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Distant - Far. You are emotionally or physically unavailable. You may be an aloof loner, absent, or cold and removed. You are unreachable, disconnected and non-communicative. Others might never know what you want, who you are or, sometimes, even where you are.)

  4. Engaged - You are doing something to open the door to connection. You might be reaching out with friendliness or empathy. Or you might be responding by opening up and sharing. When you initiate you are being empathic, interested or friendly. You are vulnerable, open and sharing. You make eye contact and respond to others. You reach out to give or receive.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Enmeshed - Too close. You take on someone else's likes and dislikes as your own so you only want what they want. You have no opinions of your own. You are a yes-man. You are who they are, losing your own identity and becoming a clone.)

  5. Assertive - You stand out, speak up and are seen. You make waves. You can be funny, loud, subtle, playful or abrupt. You take action, make noise and inspire others. You are a change maker and a leader. You take charge and express your point of view. You bring up something you want to do and present it in a way that influences others to join you on your quest. You learn to enjoy disagreements. You are willing to take a risk.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Intrusive - You are bossy, pushy and forceful, bulldozing everyone to go along with whatever you want, regardless of anyone else's desires. You are oblivious to the discomfort or resentment of others. You are invasive, interfering, and interrupting.)

  6. Yielding - You are in the flow. You enjoy being part of the crowd and easily blend in. You have no agenda. You enjoy being in the moment. You are receptive to what life has to offer and just ride the waves. You are open and curious and accepting. And you are a master at adapting as you weave your way in and out of an array of situations. You flow with what is happening. You follow the example of others. You relax and enjoy.

    This one always makes me think of dancing - the follower gets to relax and be in the moment with no agenda, receptive to what the lead decides to do, weaving in and out of an array of different moves and blending in with the rest of the crowd on the dance floor.

    (The problematic version of this boundary style is Hyper-Receptive - You are fearful and hypervigilant, tensely waiting for cues, trying to anticipate the desires of others. You have no time to realize what you really want - you are just trying to make sure there is no conflict. You can be a chameleon.)















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