Needs

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BASIC NEEDS

Our feelings are messengers trying to tell us what our needs are.
Underneath all the layers of our emotions, at the core, lies a true, valid need.

I like to categorize all of my needs into one of the 6 Basic Human Needs categories spoken of by Tony Robbins.

When it comes to resolving trauma, I like to focus on the first 4 of these basic human needs:

  1. Connection
    Attunement - to be deeply seen, heard, and understood
    Attachment
    Love
    Belonging

  2. Significance
    Importance
    To Matter

  3. Certainty
    Survival - air, water, food, shelter, etc
    Safety
    Security - Emotional or Financial
    Stability
    Solitude
    Comfort
    Health
    Well-Being

  4. Uncertainty
    Novelty (Newness)
    Variety
    Spontaneity
    Adventure
    Pleasant Surprises


Once those 4 basic needs are being met on a consistent basis, then I turn my attention to the other 2 basic human needs:
Growth and Contribution.



For many of us, our basic needs were not met on a consistent basis when we were growing up.

We may not even be aware of what the basic needs of humans are. Learning about them can be life-changing.









NEED-BASED COMMUNICATION

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) was created by Marshall Rosenberg. It entails awareness and expression of feelings and needs.

In 2014, I learned about NVC by reading Marshall Rosenberg's book, Non-Voilent Communication: A Language of Life.

The protocol for how to do NVC felt too formulaic, awkward and unnatural to me, though, and I struggled to remember the 4 or so simple steps involved.

Eventually I realized that NVC just basically boils down to being aware of Needs. After that, I quit trying to memorize the formula and just focused on identifying my own and others' true needs.

The essence of NVC for me is Awareness:

  • Striving to be aware of what my true needs are in each moment.

  • Silently listening for what the true needs of others might be.

The better I get at identifying my own true needs by feeling my feelings and neutralizing my anchors, the better I get at correctly guessing what the true needs of other people might be, even if they themselves do not know (which is very often the case).

Marshall said that in our natural state, we are aware of our needs from moment to moment, and we naturally want to help others get their needs met.

Trauma disconnects us from ourselves and others, making it difficult to identify our needs and cutting us off from our natural (social) desire to help others get their needs met.

4 Aspects of NVC:

  • Active Listening
    Verbally stating what I hear or understand the feelings and need(s) of the other person to be.

    "It sounds like you are feeling ________________ because you have a need to/for ________________."


  • Expression
    Verbally expressing my genuine feelings and needs.

    "I feel ________________ because/and I have a need to/for ________________."


  • Making Requests
    Requesting help with getting my needs met.

    "Would you be willing to help me get my need for ________________ met by ________________?"

    I am totally okay with receiving a "no" to my request, because I keep in mind that there are 999,999 ways to get a need met (as Tom Bond likes to say).
    I am willing to keep asking around until I find someone, who can help me meet my need or direct me to the right resource.


  • Appreciation
    Expressing appreciation in a way that acknowledges how another person helped me meet a need that I had and how I genuinely feel about getting that need met.

    "Thank you for ________________. I feel ________________ because my need for ________________ was met by what you did."


There are other terms for NVC, such as Compassionate Communication, which I like a lot.

Need-Based Communication (NBC) is my term for NVC.

I mostly just engage in the listening aspect of NBC - silent or active listening.

If it would be appropriate and helpful, I will sometimes engage in one or more of the verbal aspects, too.









NEED MANTRA


When I am triggered, I may find myself trying to control a situation, outcome, or person or force someone to meet my needs or believing that there is only one way my need can be met or only one person who can meet my need.

When someone else is triggered, they may be doing those things to me.

In those cases, I often turn to one or both of my need mantras to help me shift my perspective.

"May I find another way to get this need met, which I am looking for in this person."

"May this person find another way to get their need met, which they are looking for in me."















imovebeyondtrauma@gmail.com


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