What To Do When Others Are Triggered?

(Short Answer = Get the heck away from them!)

We can get dysregulated by being around a triggered person.

The best thing to do is to change location, so we are not exposed to their dysregulated nervous system.

CO-REGULATION

Humans are Social Creatures, and our nervous systems affect each other.

We naturally send out and receive nonverbal cues about how safe our environment is.

During times of safety, our nervous systems are in Social Engagement mode, and we naturally send out non-verbal safety cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby, causing them to feel safe.

When our nervous systems are in Survival Mode, we naturally send out nonverbal threat cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby, causing them to automatically go on the alert.

Through these nonverbal cues, our nervous systems can influence each other to feel safe or to feel fear and prepare to deal with a threat.

This is called Co-Regulation.

Nonverbal cues are often conveyed through:

• Breath - slow, deep breathing indicates safety; when we do not feel safe, our breathing becomes rapid and shallow, or we hold our breath
• Body Movements - erratic, jerky, or stiff movements signal danger
• Voice - tone, volume & rhythm
  (for example, monotone or disjointed speech containing unnatural pauses conveys danger)
• Facial Expressions - scowls, worry lines, obvious fear or anger, blank looks
• Eye Contact - menacing looks or complete avoidance

All of this sending and receiving is going on below the level of conscious awareness, for the most part.

How susceptible a person's nervous system is to being influenced by nonverbal threat or safety cues varies by individual.

Also, some people are super-regulators, which means their nervous systems have a stronger than usual influence - either positive or negative - on the nervous systems of others.

A triggered person is perceiving a threat, so their nervous system is sending out nonverbal threat cues, which conveys a lack of safety to those nearby.

Their dysregulated nervouse system can influence others around them to become dysregulated, too.

DO NOT ENGAGE

I have found that it is wise not to engage with a triggered person.

If I cannot change location, I keep my interactions with them to the absolute bare minimum.

9-STEP PROCESS

Here is the process I go through when someone around me is triggered:

1. Recognize
   The first thing I need to do is recognize when someone is triggered.
   As I become more aware of my own triggers and the signs that I am triggered, I become more aware of when others are triggered, too.


2. Understand
   The next thing I need to do is understand that their nervous system is in Survival mode and their Social Engagement system is off line.
   
   That means they cannot access their cortex, where higher social and cognitive functions reside like cooperation, taking in advice, and making good decisions.
   Logic and reason will not work on them, just as it does not work on me, when I am triggered.
   They cannot connect to their loving, caring feelings.
   They cannot care about my needs.
   They cannot see the good in me.
   I might even seem like the enemy to them.
   
   I also need to understand that this is all just temporary, and this is not who they are.


3. Do Not Take It Personally
   A triggered person will often make things very personal.
   They will try to blame me for their feelings or make me the problem or make it all about me.
   
   But I know that other people's triggers have nothing to do with me.
   It is all about their unresolved trauma from the past.


4. Do Not Engage
   There is nothing I can say that will help.
   They will not respond to logic or reason.
   So, I do not talk to them.
   
   If they ask me a question, I keep my answer as short & simple as possible.
   (Sometimes I get lucky, and they don't actually expect or wait for an answer.)
   
   There is nothing I can do that will help.
   They probably would not be satisfied or happy, even if I did exactly what they are asking.
   So, I do nothing.


5. Change Location
   I get away from their dysregulated nervous system as soon as possible.
   This reduces the chances that my nervous system will be impacted by theirs.
   This also reduces the chances that I will have to engage with them.


6. Safety Cues
   I send Safety Cues to my nervous system if I feel dysregulated by having been in the presence of a triggered (dysregulated) person.


7. Wait
   Then I wait.
   Most people's nervous systems naturally de-escalate on their own within a few minutes or a few hours.
   
   If it takes longer than a day, they might be stuck in what I call PTSD Land, which can take days, weeks, or months to pop out of without any de-escalation techniques.
   If that's the case, then I wait longer.


8. Distract Myself
   I put my attention on something else, while I wait.
   I try to get my mind off of the triggered person and what they are triggered about.
   I find something else to focus on - like an absorbing creative project or organizing something.


9. Get My Needs Met Elsewhere
   There are countless ways to get a need met, and I might need to look elsewhere to get mine met.

IF THEY INSIST

Everything feels urgent to a triggered person.
Their primal brain is focused on surviving the next 2 minutes, and they want the problem or threat they are perceiving to be solved or resolved within the next 2 minutes.

So, they might be very insistent on engaging with me.

In that case...

1. I might suggest taking a 10-minute break before we talk or continue the conversation.


2. If they are still triggered after 10 minutes, then I might suggest trying again in an hour or two.


3. If they are still triggered after that, then I might suggest we try talking again tomorrow.

I do not have to engage with a triggered person, even if they are very insistent.

IF I MUST

If I must interact with a triggered person for work or some other reason...

1. I keep my focus on discovering what Their Needs are - their true needs.
   (A triggered person often does not know what their real needs are.)


2. If I can, I send Safety Cues to their nervous system (friendly face, bright/light tone, smooth calm voice, slow deep breathing).


3. I know that some people are very sensitive to tone of voice or facial expression, and sometimes there is nothing I can do about it if they find mine offensive.


4. I keep in mind that to a triggered person, the appropriate response to what is happening now will feel very wrong and wildly inappropriate to them.
   
   That is because it would have been the wrong thing to do in the past when the unresolved trauma occurred that they are subconsciously reliving.

A WORK PROTOCOL

This is a protocol I used at one of my jobs where I had to interact with triggered clients...

1. Express Understanding & Empathy ("I completely understand. I would feel the same way! I'm so sorry that happened.")


2. Take Notes


3. Repeat Back what I wrote down to make sure I understood correctly and got all the important points down


4. State Specific Actions I will take & exactly what time I will follow up with them to give them an update (same day - within a few hours)


5. Follow Up Promptly (give them an update about the steps I have taken, progress that has been made, what still needs to be done, and when I will give them another update)

imovebeyondtrauma@gmail.com

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