DECREASE STRESS
Since I am more vulnerable to getting activated when I am stressed,
I have found it very helpful to decrease the amount of stress in my life in order to
reduce the chances of getting activated.
On top of that, it is difficult to heal from trauma,
if my nervous system is frequently being bombarded by new threats or threat cues.
Reducing stress often requires some lifestyle changes like the ones listed below.
No News
The first thing I did was cut out reading and watching the news.
The news is often filled with threat cues that can increase our level of fear
and dysregulate our nervous system.
Many people on a healing journey, stop watching, listening to, and reading the news altogether.
I trust that any truly important news will reach them through word of mouth.
Some people's nervous systems can handle tuning into the news just fine.
I let them be the witnesses and the messengers.
Don't Do Urgent
Don't rush.
Don't hurry.
Don't scramble.
Urgency is a common sign that a person is dysregulated.
And it can be very dysregulating to our nervous system.
Urgency can hook us onto the drama triangle.
I have learned to pause before reacting to a sense of urgency,
whether the urgency is internal or coming from someone else.
I pause to think through the situation before saying yes to getting involved or helping.
Strangers who bring their urgent situations to us are often chaotic people.
If we let them, they will bring their chaos into our lives.
Say No
We learn that it is safe now to say no when we mean no (and, likewise, to say yes when we mean yes).
We stop people-pleasing.
Many of us have struggled with being too nice and trying to never upset anyone.
That stresses our nervous system, causing a lot of issues for us.
In his book, The Body Says No, Gabor Mate says that many chronic illnesses and deadly diseases
are caused by being too nice and not saying no. Eventually, the body says no for us.
Just Say No
No is a complete sentence.
We do not need to explain or defend a No.
When saying No, I have found that it is best to keep it as brief and simple as possible.
Here we do need to exercise some discernment, though.
When dealing with children, a brief explanation to let them know
that our No is not about them and that we still love them can be very reassuring.
If we are saying no to an adult, whom we suspect cannot understand or respect our boundaries
(especially if they have previously demonstrated that they cannot),
then it is best not to offer any explanation.
Often, it is the very people who demand to know why we are saying no,
who are the most incapable of understanding or respecting our boundaries.
Defending our point of view or explaining ourselves to them will not help.
They will just argue with us.
And they might even use our explanation against us.
Do Not Engage
The world is full of dysregulated and dysfunctional people.
To me, it is not a matter of attracting them or not.
They are everywhere and everyone encounters them.
But not everyone will get super close and friendly with them and invite them
into their lives.
To people, who did not grow up in a dysfunctional environment,
dysfunctional and dysregulated people appear abnormal,
and they will naturally gravitate away from them,
disengaging as quickly as possible.
For those of us who grew up around dysregulated and/or dysfunctional people,
they seem totally normal to us.
So, we do not gravitate away from them. We let them in and get close to them.
Getting too close to people too fast can lead to problems.
As we heal, we learn to develop discernment and stop engaging with problematic,
drama-filled people.
This reduces our exposure to dysregulated nervous systems.
Disengage
As for the dysfunctional or frequently dysregulated people already in our lives,
we can learn how to quietly reduce and limit our contact with them (detach with love).
We do not need to get their permission or inform them about what we are doing.
According to Patrick Teahan, one of the definitive symptoms of childhood trauma is that,
as adults, we try to make difficult people be good to us.
Now, we can learn to recognize the limitations of others (without judgement) and act accordingly.